CODA Alternative Blog

Grief Support

Wed, 07 Aug 2024 23:10:42 GMT

Supporting Grievers

When we grieve those, we love, we need people to help us move through our grief. Supporting someone who is hurting can be difficult and uncomfortable. It is not easy to watch someone hurt, but, take the pressure off yourself. It is not your job to take someone’s pain away, you simply cannot do it. However, you can make that pain more manageable by showing up, being a reliable support, not judging, accepting that grief takes a long time, and encouraging a person with kindness.

It takes a village to support us when we are overwhelmed with grief. Talk to those who are hurting, ask how they are doing today, talk about the person who died. Simply listen, without pretending that you know what they are going through. Do your best to understand. Furthermore, keep showing up for the long haul.

Supporting Friends, Family & Coworkers

When someone is hurting, we want to help. Sometimes, what we think is helpful is actually very hurtful. Our history with a person, the nature of our relationship, our intention, and our consistent efforts make a difference in whether we are helpful or just getting in the way.

Listen First.
Being supportive starts with self-awareness about how we communicate. Good communication starts with listening. Talking is not always helpful; listening is. Often what people need most is to be heard and feel understood. The act of listening has nothing to do with you, except your willingness to understand the speaker’s perspective. An effective listener can move others into a deeper sharing of their story, feelings, struggles, and perspective.
Invite More Sharing.
You have to earn credibility as someone who is trustworthy, interested in understanding, and actually cares. Listening first creates an invitation to the speaker to share more. Inviting more sharing says you are genuinely interested, have no agenda, will not judge, and possess a desire to understand.
Be Consistent.
Listen. Invite more sharing. Keep showing up. It is not a flashy strategic plan and it does not always feel good, but it is the “nuts and bolts” of providing support.
Mobilize Others.
Mobilizing people and resources can happen in many different ways. The “Platinum Rule” is applicable: do to others what they want done. Very few people want to eat lasagna for the next 90 days, so do not mobilize a lasagna squad. Yet, people need to be fed. Life is busy for most people because there is so much to do. Assess what someone needs and help them. Grief is as much an individual as a communal process. We need other people to help get us through. Grief is not a 2 week, 2 month, or 6 month experience. It is a lifelong process. So, help build a supportive community now and in the future.
Ask Questions.
Do. Not. Assume. What is good for you may not be good or helpful to someone else. So, just ask. You may want to jump in quickly to feel helpful, but ask first. Asking does not equate with doing nothing. On the contrary, asking makes way for more effective support. Do not say “let me know what I can do” because few people know at the moment. Identify a concrete need and then understand how to meet it.
Show Up.
Absence and silence are brutally painful. It is not your job to fix anything or make it better. Being available is more beneficial than doing. Just show up and be present. What often happens in our society is that people show up for the first couple of months and then the support fades. Keep showing up.
Don't Try to Fix.
“Helpers” often become “fixers.” That is a real obstacle to being supportive. Nothing is broken. No words or actions can, or ever have, made it all better. Take the pressure off of yourself to come up with the perfect thing to say or do. Being present is at the heart of being helpful.
Grief is Normal and Serves a Purpose.
Grief is the compilation of a lot of feelings, some of which are very hard to hear and witness. Just because they are intense or difficult does not mean there is something wrong or deranged. Grief is normal and serves an important purpose. People do not always get out of bed, shower, remember to eat, or know where they are going next. Do not suggest to, “Go get help” because that dismisses the intensity of the grief and normalizes it. Instead, comfort with, “I am here and we are going to get through this.” And then keep showing up.
Talk about the Person who Died.
Sometimes people need to take a break from talking about the person who died. That is okay. It is not okay for us to stop sharing memories, ignore what happened, pretend that everything is fine, or change the subject. Oftentimes, people will talk about their loved one and their grief if we ask questions and create a trusting environment.
Be Patient and Encourage.
Grief can be a broken record. Sometimes people replay a story over and over. Sometimes they forget what they said or seem perpetually confused or lost. That is okay. Patience and encouragement help with the daily rebuilding process for creating a new routine as well as a sense of normalcy. Be a patient guide, knowing that the person is trying to find a way forward.

Supporting Children & Teens

Grief is normal.
Grief is a normal part of the human experience. There is no right or wrong way to grieve, but there are healthy and unhealthy ways to express that pain. Grief for kids is both emotional and physical. Kids benefit from physical outlets since they often do not have all the words to talk about it.
Grieving kids can feel alone.
Grief can be very isolating and many kids feel alone or misunderstood. Peer groups are highly effective because knowing someone going through something similar helps a child know they are not alone.
Don’t assume.
Kids will work hard to have their needs met. Do not assume what they are feeling or think you have all the answers. Just because a kid looks fine does not mean all is well. On the other hand, just because a child is having a hard time that does not mean something is wrong or that they need to be fixed.
You don’t have to fix it.
Kids benefit from open, honest, and understanding adults who do not assume or validate their experience. Listening to a child and being a dependable presence in their life matters. Kids desire consistency.
Try to understand.
It is more important that you understand a child’s perspective than try to fix their pain.
Be willing not to know.
It is okay if you do not have all of the answers to the questions a child asks or if you do not know their every thought. Every grief experience is unique and sometimes there is a lot of uncertainty or confusion.
Children need the truth.
Children understand their feelings, death, and the future through facts and truth. Lies never help. Use facts and not euphemisms or clichés to talk about death. With the truth, kids can learn and develop healthy coping skills.
Modify your expectations.
Do not expect a child to think or feel like an adult. Kids grieve in spurts, their questions may vary as they try to understand death in addition to their feelings, which they will emote differently than adults.
Everyone’s grief is unique.
No two individuals will grieve the same, whether they are a child or an adult. Everyone experiences grief differently depending on where they are developmentally, their support systems, the nature of their relationship to the deceased, in addition to many other factors. Everyone is different. It is important that each feeling is affirmed and supported even when a child’s truth differs from yours.
Be prepared.
Knowledge is power. Use teachable moments to educate a child about death. Learn how to talk openly about this subject matter, using honest language and creating a safe space for present or future needs.

Understanding Grief

Grief is not a series of stages or a neatly defined process. It is an experience that is unique to you and your relationship with the person who died. The unpredictability and uniqueness of grief can be scary to some, and Western culture often does not know what to do with grief because it is not a prescribed or linear route. There is no clear direction for where it can or should go. However, your grief is important because it is yours. Grief is not one feeling but a compilation of many-sometimes conflicting-feelings. It is also a journey with many thoughts, physical responses, and spiritual questions. Because grief is such a complex experience, it is not uncommon to make unhealthy decisions or complicate our lives and relationships in destructive ways.

Here are some things to consider when grieving:

Self-Care
Take care of your mental and physical needs
Maintain Your Relationship
Take time to remember, share stories, and honor your person
Create Healthy Coping Strategies
Identify healthy outlets for expressing your grief
Get Support
Identify people who will help you explore feelings, thoughts, and questions
Be patient with yourself
Grief is hard work so be gentle

Youth & Funerals

Wed, 07 Aug 2024 23:10:21 GMT

Youth & Funerals

Debunking Commons Myths

As a parent or caregiver, you may worry that your child is too young to care about, or understand, what happens during a funeral, or why we have them. You may wonder if your child will remember your loved one. Perhaps you believe that funerals are only intended for adults and are too sad or traumatizing for children. Or, like many, you simply don't want your child to see you cry.

But it is important to understand that your child will feel the death of a loved one intensely, and that he or she may feel forgotten if left out of such an important family event. Your child may feel resentful for many years if he or she didn't get to say goodbye.

Exclusion from the memorialization process may lead your child to create fear-based fantasies far scarier than what actually takes place. He or she will also miss out on receiving the comfort and support that connects friends and family during a funeral.

So, the answer is YES, it is appropriate for youth to attend a funeral.

Saying goodbye to a loved one who died is never easy, but experts agree that children should be given the choice to attend the funeral, and participate in the memorialization process, in ways that feel meaningful and important to them.

Discussing Death and Funerals

Sharing the experience with children helps them better understand the concepts of death, memorialization and ritual, but it is crucial to understand and support young people, on their unique levels, as they go through the experience. Your child's reaction to death and the funeral experience will vary depending on age, the nature of the relationship with the deceased, and his or her maturity level and ability to manage complex emotions.

Young children may be confused about where the deceased person has gone, and when he or she is coming back. Teens may be concerned about their ability to control their emotions, or how to interact with loved ones of the deceased who are upset. Others may worry because they simply do not know what to expect, or what to do, during a funeral or visitation.

Sonner is often better when telling your child about the death of a loved one. Children will likely remember how they were told, so take into account your intimate knowledge of your child's demeanor as you consider how and when to begin the conversation. For example, would starting the conversation in the daytime, in a familiar place, give your child the appropriate time and space to process the information, as opposed to hearing the news at bedtime?

Adult role modeling helps children navigate their own way forward. Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, the more open and honest you are about these natural life events, the more normalized and less scary these experiences become.

Direct, open and honest conversations will help your child make informed choices, and prepare him or her for the funeral service itself. Using simple, clear and concrete language is key when discussing terms your child may find confusing or scary.

Death

Keep explanations honest and clear, and avoid euphemisms, such as "lost", "asleep" or "passed away", which may confuse children.

Simple explain that when someone dies, their body has stopped working, and will not start working again. Clarify that a person who has died can no longer breathe, think or talk, nor feel pain, fear, cold, etc.

Funerals

A funeral (sometimes referred to as a memorial, or celebration of life) is a ritual that helps families and friends express their deepest thoughts and feelings about the person who died.

Explain that you will be having a funeral just for your loved one, and that everyone will be together to share memories, express how much the person was loved and to say a very special goodbye.

Traditions, Beliefs, and Customs

As appropriate, incorporate your family traditions, religious/spiritual customs and cultural beliefs into your discussion.

Consider addressing any of your loved one's traditions, beliefs, and customs that might be new, different or unfamiliar to your child.

Burial

Explain that, at the end of the funeral, the casket will be placed in a special car, called a hearse, and taken to the cemetery. There will be a very deep hole called a grave. The casket will be lowered into the grave and covered with earth.

Eventually, grass will grow on top of it, and soon a grave marker will be put there to mark the place, so that people can remember where the casket was put into the ground.

Let your child know that he or she will be able to visit the cemetery to think about and remember your loved one.

Cremation

Tell your child that cremation doesn't hurt because a person who has died can't feel pain. Use simple, clear and honest language, avoiding words like "fire" or "burn".

Explain that the person's body is placed in a special box, and then taken to a place called a crematory. Inside the crematory, it gets very, very hot, which changes the person's body into particles like tan and gray sand, called cremated remains.

The cremated remains are then placed in a special container, often called an urn. Discuss that your family (or the family of the deceased) might decide to keep the urn in a meaningful place, bury the cremated remains in a cemetery, or scatter them outdoors at a place that was important to your loved one or the family.

Youth Involvement in Memorialization

Simply attending the funeral will help your child begin processing his or her grief. But whenever possible, consider including youth of all ages in the planning of the funeral/memorial service to help them feel connected and involved.

Let your child's comfort level guide you when sharing ideas about how he or she can express his or her feelings and honor your loved one in a meaningful way. Be certain that your child understand that participation is his or her decision, and that, at any point, he or she can change his or her mind about the level of involvement.

Consider asking your funeral director, clergy or celebrant for suggestions on youth involvement, or incorporate some of the following activities:

Draw a picture or write a letter to place in the casket or beside
Select special photographs or items, and help arrange a picture board, video Tribute or memorial table; share special stories and memories during the activity.
Older children may want to help with arrangements, such as selecting a casket or an urn, or the readings and music for the service.
Greet the guests, hand out memorial cards or direct people to the registration book.
Participate in the final closing of the casket.
Start the ceremony by placing a flower on the casket or in front of a memorial portrait.
Share a poem, reading or reflections; sing a song or play an instrument.
Serve as a pallbearer or casket escort.
Participate in religious customs.
Distribute flowers to family and friends gathered at the cemetery.
Place a memento at the graveside, such as a plant or stuffed animal.
Share special memories over your loved one's favorite meal.

Preparing Youth for Funeral Attendance

When your child makes the decision to attend a funeral, help prepare him or her for the event by explaining what he or she will see and feel, and what others may be doing. Even the smallest details shared in advance will help your child feel more comfortable with his or her decision.

When Youth choose not to attend a funeral

If your child chooses not to attend a funeral, let him or her know what will be happening instead. Will your child stay with a friend or family member? Will there be a babysitter? Will an overnight stay be involved?

Explain Who and What Youth May See

Will your child see relatives and friends, or know many people? Will other children be in attendance? Show photographs to remind him or her of familiar faces, if possible.

Let your child know what to expect, and where the event or events will be held. Is there a visitation at the funeral home, a funeral service at a church, a cemetery interment? Will a meal follow? Is the funeral taking place at someone's home or at another venue?

Visitation

Explain that during a visitation, people may be waiting in a receiving line to greet your family (or the loved one's family) or standing/sitting and talking. Is the visitation prior to the ceremony? The day before?

Ceremony

Discuss the ceremony location, and who and what will be involved. Is the location a familiar place of worship? Who is the officiant or celebrant? Are there pallbearers, and what do they do? Will there be music? Readings? Sitting or standing?

Post-ceremony

Will there be a procession to the cemetery? Who will be going? Will your child see a hearse? Will you be scattering your loved one's cremated remains?

Talk About Emotions

Talk about sadness and grief to help prepare your child for how he or she might feel during the funeral. Explain that people may be mourning, which is showing an outward expression of grief through an emotion such as crying, while others may be laughing and smiling as they share favorite memories.

Let your child know that people grieve differently, and that it is completely normal for emotions to change throughout the day.

Point Out Personal Touches Help your child recall memories that might help him or her recognize any personal touches that honor your loved one. For example, will attendees be encouraged to wear your loved one's favorite color? Will mementos or beloved possessions be on display? Will the deceased be wearing a familiar article of clothing?

Give Youth Choices and Control

Make certain your child feels empowered throughout the day, and support his or her decisions. Assure your child that, at any point, he or she can change his or her mind about attending and participating in the funeral.

Practice roles as necessary until your child feels comfortable, and don't force a hug, handshake or participation. Avoid phrases such as, "Grandma would have wanted you to read a poem", "You'll hurt Uncle John's feelings if you don't say hello to everyone." Reassure your child that opting out is perfectly okay; have a plan in place to cover a participatory role.

Consider assigning a known and trusted "point person" who will not mind leaving the funeral with your child, if it becomes necessary. Let your child help select this caregiver in advance of the funeral, if appropriate.

Be sure to let your child known in advance what he or she can expect to see, and when. If your loved one's body is present, give your child control over how close he or she would like to get to the deceased. Let your child decide how long to stay in the room, and whether he or she would like to view or touch your loved one.

Continue to allow your child to make decisions after the funeral. Would he or she like to choose a favorite dish or restaurant for dinner? Did your loved one have a cherished possession that your child may keep as a memento? Is a sleepover with friends or family an option?

Normalize The Experience

Your child will be looking to you for support and guidance, and will likely notice if you are uncomfortable in your grief or during the funeral. Make sure your body language and tone mirror your words of assurance and normalcy. Remind your child that crying is okay for both children and adults. Say, "It's okay to be nervous or sad or scared today. We're going to feel a lot different emotions. I'm glad we're here together to say our special goodbyes. It's very important, and it will help us feel much better."

Encourage Questions

Encourage your child to ask questions, and share what's on his or her mind. It will not be uncommon for your child to ask the same questions again and again. Some questions may be direct and pointed, and it's okay to not be able (or ready) to answer them.

Consider saying, "I'm glad you asked that question. I don't know the answer either. Let's find someone who might be able to answer it for us", or "It's hard for me to answer that right now. Can we please talk about that at a different time soon?"

Preparing Youth for Viewing of Loved Ones

Children often want to be included in what others around them are seeing. You may be uncomfortable with the idea of your child viewing the deceased, but it's important to remember that children have big imaginations, and that fantasies can be far scarier than the actual experience.

Viewing your loved one may help your child understand that death is a natural part of life, and not something to be feared. It may also help him or her understand the reality of death, and that your loved one will not be coming back.

Offer clear and honest information to help your child make the decision whether to view the deceased; reassure your child that whatever he or she decides is okay.

Open Casket

If your child chooses to view your loved one, accompany him or her to the casket.

Your funeral service professional can be on hand to answer any questions, and help prepare you and your child for what you will see when you approach the casket. Consider scheduling a private viewing prior to the visitation or service.

Note the casket's color, location and surrounding items (flowers, memorial table, kneeler, etc.).

Assure your child early and often that your loved one can no longer feel cold, hurt or fear. Explain that the deceased will be lying in a casket with hands folded and eyes closed. Acknowledge that it might look like your loved one is sleeping, but clarify that his or her body has stopped working, and will not start working again.

Prepare your child to see that your loved one may look different from when he or she was alive. For example, there may be visible marks, scars or swelling if he or she died from illness or injury. Funeral service professionals often use cosmetics for a more natural look, and to create a healing final impression of your loved one.

Describe what your loved one will be wearing. Is it a familiar outfit or a favorite color? If your loved one will only be seen from the waist up, your child may be curious about things like whether he or she is wearing shoes.

Let your child know that touching your loved one is okay, and that the deceased's body will feel cool to the touch. If asked, "Where can I touch?" suggest a gentle stroke of your loved one's hair or arm; model the action as necessary.

Closed Casket

Even though you may not be able to see your loved one, remind your child that the deceased can no longer feel cold, hurt or fear. Explain that your loved one is lying in the casket, fully dressed, with hands folded and eyes closed. Encourage your child to ask questions.

Body Not Present

It is just as important to explain what your child will see when your loved one's body isn't present. Explain that there might be a portrait, an urn or a memorial table, and that everyone is gathered to say their special goodbyes.

Continue to Connect

Continue to offer your child comfort, love and support in the days, weeks and months following a funeral. Encourage questions, ask how he or she is feeling, and what might bring him or her comfort. And don't forget to address any previous questions you may not have been able (or ready) to answer.

Invite your child to share suggestions for honoring the memory of your loved one in ways that are meaningful to him or her. Set aside times on holidays or anniversaries to share beloved memories. Continue old traditions or begin new ones.

You understand your child's unique needs best. The content in this guide is intended to complement, but not substitute, the care and opinions from your funeral service professionals, health care providers, and grief and bereavement experts. Please seek professional advice if you have any concerns.

Hospice Tribute

Wed, 10 Aug 2022 23:12:44 GMT

How Hospice Supported Our Family

Hospice has been beneficial to my family through the years. Three of my parents have been put on hospice in their declining months. The services that were provided not only assisted in the care of my parents, but to the entire family during the tough times.

We were first blessed with hospice care after cancer treatment no longer made a difference in my mother-in-law’s health. The hospice doctor made his initial visit and evaluation soon after signing on with hospice. Then Nurse Shelly came on as Mom’s main caregiver during her final months. Shelly was there to make sure Mom was comfortable and to make sure the weekly caregivers checked on Mom and to care for her hygiene needs. Shelly laughed with us, listened to us, shed tears with us, and loved on us all. I know that she was unique, but it was very evident she cared.

After Mom passed, the chaplain stepped up and helped us plan her service and to minister to us spiritually and emotionally. Without hospice, our end-of-life journey with my mother-in-law would have been severely derailed.

Years later my dear mother and stepfather were blessed with hospice care. This journey was much longer, and more people came alongside us on this road. We had assistance from nurses, social workers, caregivers, chaplains, and counselors. We needed them all on this rough road of declining health, dementia, and end of life. They attempted to give us a ‘timeline’ of their declining health (which proved to be pretty accurate). They were all kind, empathetic, loving, understanding, and professional. The direct caregivers checked on my parents regularly and cared for them physically, emotionally, and spiritually. In the end, the chaplain participated in the end-of-life celebration. And a few months later, I took advantage of the grief counseling and received invaluable support.

Regardless of the hospice company being used, I have found that most hospice caregivers were professional, caring, understanding, and empathetic. As with everyone, no one is perfect. But, I certainly would have struggled much more without hospice by my side, supporting me and my family.

-Margaret