Youth and Funerals.


Questions About Youth and Funerals?

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Debunking Commons Myths

As a parent or caregiver, you may worry that your child is too young to care about, or understand, what happens during a funeral, or why we have them. You may wonder if your child will remember your loved one. Perhaps you believe that funerals are only intended for adults, and are too sad or traumatizing for children. Or, like many, you simply don't want your child to see you cry.


But it is important to understand that your child will feel the death of a loved one intensely, and that he or she may feel forgotten if left out of such an important family event. Your child may feel resentful for many years if he or she didn't get to say goodbye.


Exclusion from the memorialization process may lead your child to create fear-based fantasies far scarier than what actually takes place. He or she will also miss out on receiving the comfort and support that connects friends and family during a funeral.


So the answer is YES, it is appropriate for youth to attend a funeral.


Saying goodbye to a loved one who died is never easy, but experts agree that children should be given the choice to attend the funeral, and participate in the memorialization process, in ways that feel meaningful and important to them.

Discussing Death and Funerals

Sharing the experience with children helps them better understand the concepts of death, memorialization and ritual, but it is crucial to understand and support young people, on their unique levels, as they go through the experience. Your child's reaction to death and the funeral experience will vary depending on age, the nature of the relationship with the deceased, and his or her maturity level and ability to manage complex emotions.


Young children may be confused about where the deceased person has gone, and when he or she is coming back. Teens may be concerned about their ability to control their emotions, or how to interact with loved ones of the deceased who are upset. Others may worry because they simply do not know what to expect, or what to do, during a funeral or visitation.


Sonner is often better when telling your child about the death of a loved one. Children will likely remember how they were told, so take into account your intimate knowledge of your child's demeanor as you consider how and when to begin the conversation. For example, would starting the conversation in the daytime, in a familiar place, give your child the appropriate time and space to process the information, as opposed to hearing the news at bedtime?


Adult role modeling helps children navigate their own way forward. Although it may feel uncomfortable at first, the more open and honest you are about these natural life events, the more normalized and less scary these experiences become.


Direct, open and honest conversations will help your child make informed choices, and prepare him or her for the funeral service itself. Using simple, clear and concrete language is key when discussing terms your child may find confusing or scary.

Death

Keep explanations honest and clear, and avoid euphemisms, such as "lost", "asleep" or "passed away", which may confuse children.


Simple explain that when someone dies, their body has stopped working, and will not start working again. Clarify that a person who has died can no longer breathe, think or talk, nor feel pain, fear, cold, etc.

Funerals

A funeral (sometimes referred to as a memorial, or celebration of life) is a ritual that helps families and friends express their deepest thoughts and feelings about the person who died.


Explain that you will be having a funeral just for your loved one, and that everyone will be together to share memories, express how much the person was loved and to say a very special goodbye.

Traditions, Beliefs, and Customs

As appropriate, incorporate your family traditions, religious/spiritual customs and cultural beliefs into your discussion.


Consider addressing any of your loved one's traditions, beliefs, and customs that might be new, different or unfamiliar to your child.

Burial

Explain that, at the end of the funeral, the casket will be placed in a special car, called a hearse, and taken to the cemetery. There will be a very deep hole called a grave. The casket will be lowered into the grave and covered with earth.


Eventually, grass will grow on top of it, and soon a grave marker will be put there to mark the place, so that people can remember where the casket was put into the ground.


Let your child know that he or she will be able to visit the cemetery to think about and remember your loved one.

Cremation

Tell your child that cremation doesn't hurt because a person who has died can't feel pain. Use simple, clear and honest language, avoiding words like "fire" or "burn".


Explain that the person's body is placed in a special box, and then taken to a place called a crematory. Inside the crematory, it gets very, very hot, which changes the person's body into particles like tan and gray sand, called cremated remains.


The cremated remains are then placed in a special container, often called an urn. Discuss that your family (or the family of the deceased) might decide to keep the urn in a meaningful place, bury the cremated remains in a cemetery, or scatter them outdoors at a place that was important to your loved one or the family.

Youth Involvement in Memorialization

Simply attending the funeral will help your child begin processing his or her grief. But whenever possible, consider including youth of all ages in the planning of the funeral/memorial service to help them feel connected and involved.


Let your child's comfort level guide you when sharing ideas about how he or she can express his or her feelings, and honor your loved one in a meaningful way. Be certain that your child understand that participation is his or her decision, and that, at any point, he or she can change his or her mind about the level of involvement.


Consider asking your funeral director, clergy or celebrant for suggestions on youth involvement, or incorporate some of the following activities:

Preparing Youth for Funeral Attendance

When your child makes the decision to attend a funeral, help prepare him or her for the event by explaining what he or she will see and feel, and what others may be doing. Even the smallest details shared in advance will help your child feel more comfortable with his or her decision.

When Youth choose not to attend a funeral

If your child chooses not to attend a funeral, let him or her know what will be happening instead. Will your child stay with a friend or family member? Will there be a babysitter? Will an overnight stay be involved?

Explain Who and What Youth May See

Will your child see relatives and friends, or know many people? Will other children be in attendance? Show photographs to remind him or her of familiar faces, if possible.

Let your child know what to expect, and where the event or events will be held. Is there a visitation at the funeral home, a funeral service at a church, a cemetery interment? Will a meal follow? Is the funeral taking place at someone's home or at another venue?

Visitation

Explain that during a visitation, people may be waiting in a receiving line to greet your family (or the loved one's family) or standing/sitting and talking. Is the visitation prior to the ceremony? The day before?

Ceremony

Discuss the ceremony location, and who and what will be involved. Is the location a familiar place of worship? Who is the officiant or celebrant? Are there pallbearers, and what do they do? Will there be music? Readings? Sitting or standing?

Post-ceremony

Will there be a procession to the cemetery? Who will be going? Will your child see a hearse? Will you be scattering your loved one's cremated remains?

Talk About Emotions

Talk about sadness and grief to help prepare your child for how he or she might feel during the funeral. Explain that people may be mourning, which is showing an outward expression of grief through an emotion such as crying, while others may be laughing and smiling as they share favorite memories.


Let your child know that people grieve differently, and that it is completely normal for emotions to change throughout the day.

Point Out Personal Touches

Help your child recall memories that might help him or her recognize any personal touches that honor your loved one. For example, will attendees be encouraged to wear your loved one's favorite color? Will mementos or beloved possessions be on display? Will the deceased be wearing a familiar article of clothing?

Give Youth Choices and Control

Make certain your child feels empowered throughout the day, and support his or her decisions. Assure your child that, at any point, he or she can change his or her mind about attending and participating in the funeral.


Practice roles as necessary until your child feels comfortable, and don't force a hug, handshake or participation. Avoid phrases such as, "Grandma would have wanted you to read a poem", "You'll hurt Uncle John's feelings if you don't say hello to everyone." Reassure your child that opting out is perfectly okay; have a plan in place to cover a participatory role.


Consider assigning a known and trusted "point person" who will not mind leaving the funeral with your child, if it becomes necessary. Let your child help select this caregiver in advance of the funeral, if appropriate.


Be sure to let your child known in advance what he or she can expect to see, and when. If your loved one's body is present, give your child control over how close he or she would like to get to the deceased. Let your child decide how long to stay in the room, and whether he or she would like to view or touch your loved one.


Continue to allow your child to make decisions after the funeral. Would he or she like to choose a favorite dish or restaurant for dinner? Did your loved one have a cherished possession that your child may keep as a memento? Is a sleepover with friends or family an option?

Normalize The Experience

Your child will be looking to you for support and guidance, and will likely notice if you are uncomfortable in your grief or during the funeral. Make sure your body language and tone mirror your words of assurance and normalcy. Remind your child that crying is okay for both children and adults. Say, "It's okay to be nervous or sad or scared today. We're going to feel a lot different emotions. I'm glad we're here together to say our special goodbyes. It's very important, and it will help us feel much better."

Encourage Questions

Encourage your child to ask questions, and share what's on his or her mind. It will not be uncommon for your child to ask the same questions again and again. Some questions may be direct and pointed, and it's okay to not be able (or ready) to answer them.


Consider saying, "I'm glad you asked that question. I don't know the answer either. Let's find someone who might be able to answer it for us", or "It's hard for me to answer that right now. Can we please talk about that at a different time soon?"

Preparing Youth for Viewing of Loved Ones

Children often want to be included in what others around them are seeing. You may be uncomfortable with the idea of your child viewing the deceased, but it's important to remember that children have big imaginations, and that fantasies can be far scarier than the actual experience.


Viewing your loved one may help your child understand that death is a natural part of life, and not something to be feared. It may also help him or her understand the reality of death, and that your loved one will not be coming back.


Offer clear and honest information to help your child make the decision whether to view the deceased; reassure your child that whatever he or she decides is okay.

Open Casket

If your child chooses to view your loved one, accompany him or her to the casket.


Your funeral service professional can be on hand to answer any questions, and help prepare you and your child for what you will see when you approach the casket. Consider scheduling a private viewing prior to the visitation or service.


Note the casket's color, location and surrounding items (flowers, memorial table, kneeler, etc.).


Assure your child early and often that your loved one can no longer feel cold, hurt or fear. Explain that the deceased will be lying in a casket with hands folded and eyes closed. Acknowledge that it might look like your loved one is sleeping, but clarify that his or her body has stopped working, and will not start working again.


Prepare your child to see that your loved one may look different from when he or she was alive. For example, there may be visible marks, scars or swelling if he or she died from illness or injury. Funeral service professionals often use cosmetics for a more natural look, and to create a healing final impression of your loved one.


Describe what your loved one will be wearing. Is it a familiar outfit or a favorite color? If your loved one will only be seen from the waist up, your child may be curious about things like whether he or she is wearing shoes.


Let your child know that touching your loved one is okay, and that the deceased's body will feel cool to the touch. If asked, "Where can I touch?" suggest a gentle stroke of your loved one's hair or arm; model the action as necessary.

Closed Casket

Even though you may not be able to see your loved one, remind your child that the deceased can no longer feel cold, hurt or fear. Explain that your loved one is lying in the casket, fully dressed, with hands folded and eyes closed. Encourage your child to ask questions.

Body Not Present

It is just as important to explain what your child will see when your loved one's body isn't present. Explain that there might be a portrait, an urn or a memorial table, and that everyone is gathered to say their special goodbyes.

Continue to Connect

Continue to offer your child comfort, love and support in the days, weeks and months following a funeral. Encourage questions, ask how he or she is feeling, and what might bring him or her comfort. And don't forget to address any previous questions you may not have been able (or ready) to answer.

Invite your child to share suggestions for honoring the memory of your loved one in ways that are meaningful to him or her. Set aside times on holidays or anniversaries to share beloved memories. Continue old traditions or begin new ones.

You understand your child's unique needs best. The content in this guide is intended to complement, but not substitute, the care and opinions from your funeral service professionals, health care providers, and grief and bereavement experts. Please seek professional advice if you have any concerns.

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